Why Metallica Owe Me Big

Metallica have never done anything for me, they have never helped me paint the spare room, brought me a drink or even made me a nice cup of tea. Aside from all that they have never even had the good grace to release a CD or a song that I enjoy. I find this all rather selfish of them to be quite honest. I've been waiting since before I was born for Metallica to step up and do something nice for me, just one nice thing. I decided last week that enough was enough and sent them an email. I politely informed them of the situation they had created and sat back to await my reply. It's been a week and I have received neither a reply or even a spontaneous act of kindness from any of the members, past or present. I'm sure Jason Newsted can't be all that busy! Surely you would think he can get off his beardy arse and do my laundry or tidy up the living room but no the sad statistic remains that I have had 0% help from Metallica during my life.
It isn't that they haven't had ample opportunity I have attended no less than 2 Reading Festivals which they were headlining, I was no more than a mile or so from them and could they be bothered to come down to my tent and pick up a bit of rubbish or build me a little fire? No, not a peep, they sat in their big bus talking about how they are amazed that thousands of people still want to watch their wrinkly ball sacks swan about on stage. They must feel like the Rolling Stones. Although at least the Rolling Stones have some excellent songs it seems Metallica have become a recurring cultural staple for generation after generation of young boys by singing songs about complete nonsense normally revolving around the kind of 'nightmareish' imagery which wouldn't be out of place in a substandard CBBIES halloween story.
Perhaps I could have tolerated this but then Lars Ulrich dunks his head in a bucket of peroxide and starts bitching about napster. Now I know I'm about 7 years too late on this whole issue so it probably isn't worth getting involved but all I know is as soon as I heard about it I downloaded Metallica's entire back catalogue and chuckled long hard because I knew I had just downloaded a little piece of Lars Ulrichs soul. Mwhahaha! And then I deleted it into PC purgatory so now he will never get that little bit back. In fact I figure if millions and millions of people download Metallica and then delete it eventually what's left of Mr Ulrich's soul will collapse in upon itself and take the vile rat faced little bastard with it.
See all this hate could be so easily avoided if Metallica would just do something nice for me, why can't James Hetfield take me on a ride on his chopper or Kirk Hamandchessemett I don't know erm, well tell me does Kirk Hammett possess the ability to actually do anything other than. ahem, 'shred'? I actually feel a little sorry for Kirk, he's like James May, obviously Hetfield is Clarkson and Hammond (despite the obvious name connection to Kirk) is Lars Ulrich. LIke James May has a technical and logical approach to cars Kirk has the equivalent approach to his guitar playing, he is technically proficient but has the all the passion and interest as somebody reading the titles of advanced scientific books in a laborious voice (and that is really rather dull: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgjlJ5hEbw). While he may be something of a guitar icon it must be boring for him, he can whap off a guitar solo like the rest of us tie our shoelaces yet he isn't an artist and nobody really respect him. In fact you kind of just feel that the other two are always sending him the groupie with chlamydia or racking up lines of itching powder and telling him it's coke. I'd quite like to save Kirk actually and whisk away from his clearly miserable existence just so somewhere nice where he could be appreciated as a person, perhaps bournemouth? I think the sedated pace of life would be perfect for him.
Argh damn! Now I'm trying to help Metallica, this isn't right! We are trying to figure out what nice thing they can do for me. Ok here is my one request for Metallica to consider as a long overdue favour to me: Give up. Accept your place as over the hill barely ironic dinosaurs that only appeal to pre pubescent boy and who haven't written a decent or original thing since the 80's and even that was fodder. Take your millions of dollars, you're embarrassing documentaries and fuck off to be with the people who love you. Nobody needs a new Metallica record, it's irrelevant, it doesn't matter. Heaven knows why you still exist, I think it is purely because of your name. I'm sure this argument has been made before but if I called a band Punkllica or Modernsoftrockllica or even Raplica and sounded like the pre affixed genre then moron kids would keep my band afloat to. It's a slick marketing tool and perhaps on of the few things i respect you for. But now your money has been made! So please do something nice for me after all these years and disappear into your legacy.


(on a side note I actually love 'Some Kind Of Monster' probably one the funniest music documentary ever created and I include This is Spinal Tap in that statement. The moment when James Hetfield says "Scratch my back so you don't stab mine" and Lars chimes in with a "Hey man thats a good lyric" is one of the most priceless moments in cinematic history.)