Why Guitar Hero Will Enslave Us All

I don't like guitar hero, it's a pathetic invention that I'm no good at and therefore is rubbish. Aside from my ineptitude at it there are several other things that make guitar hero a completely pointless and even demeaning activity. Firstly there's the 'rock out' thing where if you point the head of your plastic imitation guitar or 'axe', (as I'm sure the game refers to it as) in the air a magical blue mist descends over the imaginary world where little moving dots control the universe and even more adulation is poured upon you as you start to believe that you really are giving the bizarre looking virtual crowd the greatest time of their young lives. Now I don't know how much virtual E this virtual crowd has taken but those guys dance to anything! Even when you suck they boo but carry on swaying in that way blood thirsty zombies do. In fact now I think about it while you're hypnotized by the buttons and the corresponding pressing of them does the zombie crowd start to eat your brain? With the intention of stealing your credit card details and pin number? Seems to me that Guitar hero sales are on the rise and so is identity theft, just saying.
Secondly you know what else makes music when you push corresponding buttons....a keyboard, which is a real instrument and it is basically the same principle. The only difference is, heaven forbid, the notes aren't moving, instead you have to move your eyes across a sheet of paper. If its the adoring virtual crowd you're missing then just rest your computer above the sheet of paper and play this <http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=OqMhU64HMUA&feature=related> in the background. It's basically the same principle only its a skill that you can entertain and impress people with rather than forcing people to listen to your incessant button clicking every time they come over to your crappy house to carry on this horrible charade we call friendship just so we're not alone in this great vat of excrement, unhappiness and loathing that we call life.

Thirdly if you play guitar hero you're a twat, it really is that simple, you are a massive twat. It's like if you ever catch yourself masturbating in the mirror, you realise how truly ridiculous and pathetic you look, it's the saddest thing in the world but with guitar hero people seem to be perfectly happy to do the exact same thing and brag about it. Playing guitar might be masturbation anyway but what does that make guitar hero? Masturbating with a dildo? Why would you ever jerk off a dildo that is the single most pointlessly dumb thing you could ever possibly do. Furthermore there is nothing sadder than looking at the smug smile of self accomplishment on a guitar hero players face after they have just achieved something like I don't know 'playing' Carlos Santana backwards while instantaneously playing Sweet Child O' Mine to the tune of Blitzkrieg Bop, I don't know how the game works I'm not its biggest fan. Either way the clear sense of satisfaction they get from matching a coloured button on a dildo (I have now decided that they are definitely dildos) to the exact same coloured button on a TV screen is nauseating, yeh you have solved world hunger right there dickhead look pleased. On top of it all these guitar things are about 1/4 of the size of a normal guitar which makes you look even more ridiculous. You're playing with yourself with a dildo that is smaller than your actual cock! Why!? It's insane you're an idiot, nobody is impressed that you can press buttons, look I'm pressing buttons right now! You're imputing data for no reason! You may be able to do it fast, I can press buttons fast to, look I'm doing it right now but you will never know because it does show in the end product, making the ability to press buttons really fucking quickly really fucking stupid.

Finally guitar hero has evolved to incorporate drums and vocals, the drums are just a drum kit! Why do you want to play a fake drumkit when you can just play a real one? What the hell is the matter with you!? Guess what you can play along to a song on a drumkit via a cd and then you will be a drummer not a guy who plays drums on guitar hero. Guess which one is cooler: sweaty guy in band or sweaty guy infront of TV living fake existence? Even if it is the worst piece of shit band ever it will be cooler than what you're doing now, trust me. As for the whole vocal thing same difference as with the drums really only I notice in guitar hero you have to bang the top of the microphone to keep time or some shit, don't do this, it damages real mics.......
Wait......
hold on.......I think I just realised something......
GUITAR HERO IS TRYING TO DESTROY ALL MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS! Of course they don't want you to learn a musical instrument because then you probably wouldn't play their game so they are setting about convincing us to smash microphones until they break, next you will have to set the dildo axe guitar alight in order to pass the game, people will think this is how to play guitar by setting it alight! Plus 'axe' in a fight between a guitar and a large tree the tree is going to win. You can't use a guitar as an axe except for maybe a good Les Paul. Either way, I'm fairly convinced that this is guitar heroes plan to; eventually destroy all music thus taking itself down with it as there will be no tracks for the game which is just what they want! When they have ultimately destroyed music we will be left as mindless driveling drones enslaved and set to work in factories where buttons need to be pressed very very quickly in order to make elaborate rubix cubes to entertain our masters. It's the future my friends. the future.

Why Metallica Owe Me Big

Metallica have never done anything for me, they have never helped me paint the spare room, brought me a drink or even made me a nice cup of tea. Aside from all that they have never even had the good grace to release a CD or a song that I enjoy. I find this all rather selfish of them to be quite honest. I've been waiting since before I was born for Metallica to step up and do something nice for me, just one nice thing. I decided last week that enough was enough and sent them an email. I politely informed them of the situation they had created and sat back to await my reply. It's been a week and I have received neither a reply or even a spontaneous act of kindness from any of the members, past or present. I'm sure Jason Newsted can't be all that busy! Surely you would think he can get off his beardy arse and do my laundry or tidy up the living room but no the sad statistic remains that I have had 0% help from Metallica during my life.
It isn't that they haven't had ample opportunity I have attended no less than 2 Reading Festivals which they were headlining, I was no more than a mile or so from them and could they be bothered to come down to my tent and pick up a bit of rubbish or build me a little fire? No, not a peep, they sat in their big bus talking about how they are amazed that thousands of people still want to watch their wrinkly ball sacks swan about on stage. They must feel like the Rolling Stones. Although at least the Rolling Stones have some excellent songs it seems Metallica have become a recurring cultural staple for generation after generation of young boys by singing songs about complete nonsense normally revolving around the kind of 'nightmareish' imagery which wouldn't be out of place in a substandard CBBIES halloween story.
Perhaps I could have tolerated this but then Lars Ulrich dunks his head in a bucket of peroxide and starts bitching about napster. Now I know I'm about 7 years too late on this whole issue so it probably isn't worth getting involved but all I know is as soon as I heard about it I downloaded Metallica's entire back catalogue and chuckled long hard because I knew I had just downloaded a little piece of Lars Ulrichs soul. Mwhahaha! And then I deleted it into PC purgatory so now he will never get that little bit back. In fact I figure if millions and millions of people download Metallica and then delete it eventually what's left of Mr Ulrich's soul will collapse in upon itself and take the vile rat faced little bastard with it.
See all this hate could be so easily avoided if Metallica would just do something nice for me, why can't James Hetfield take me on a ride on his chopper or Kirk Hamandchessemett I don't know erm, well tell me does Kirk Hammett possess the ability to actually do anything other than. ahem, 'shred'? I actually feel a little sorry for Kirk, he's like James May, obviously Hetfield is Clarkson and Hammond (despite the obvious name connection to Kirk) is Lars Ulrich. LIke James May has a technical and logical approach to cars Kirk has the equivalent approach to his guitar playing, he is technically proficient but has the all the passion and interest as somebody reading the titles of advanced scientific books in a laborious voice (and that is really rather dull: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgjlJ5hEbw). While he may be something of a guitar icon it must be boring for him, he can whap off a guitar solo like the rest of us tie our shoelaces yet he isn't an artist and nobody really respect him. In fact you kind of just feel that the other two are always sending him the groupie with chlamydia or racking up lines of itching powder and telling him it's coke. I'd quite like to save Kirk actually and whisk away from his clearly miserable existence just so somewhere nice where he could be appreciated as a person, perhaps bournemouth? I think the sedated pace of life would be perfect for him.
Argh damn! Now I'm trying to help Metallica, this isn't right! We are trying to figure out what nice thing they can do for me. Ok here is my one request for Metallica to consider as a long overdue favour to me: Give up. Accept your place as over the hill barely ironic dinosaurs that only appeal to pre pubescent boy and who haven't written a decent or original thing since the 80's and even that was fodder. Take your millions of dollars, you're embarrassing documentaries and fuck off to be with the people who love you. Nobody needs a new Metallica record, it's irrelevant, it doesn't matter. Heaven knows why you still exist, I think it is purely because of your name. I'm sure this argument has been made before but if I called a band Punkllica or Modernsoftrockllica or even Raplica and sounded like the pre affixed genre then moron kids would keep my band afloat to. It's a slick marketing tool and perhaps on of the few things i respect you for. But now your money has been made! So please do something nice for me after all these years and disappear into your legacy.


(on a side note I actually love 'Some Kind Of Monster' probably one the funniest music documentary ever created and I include This is Spinal Tap in that statement. The moment when James Hetfield says "Scratch my back so you don't stab mine" and Lars chimes in with a "Hey man thats a good lyric" is one of the most priceless moments in cinematic history.)

Smoking Makes You Rule

As a seasoned smoker of tobacco I have encountered sweeping changes in how and where I indulge my habit. Obviously there was the smoking ban which it turns out was actually quite a good idea. It's a well known fact that only interesting and witty people smoke so all the ban does is separate the conversationally dexterous from the moribund reality show chatting shit heads I wouldn't want to talk to anyway and better still puts a wall between us so I don't have to listen to their inane non-smoking chatter. I'm much happier outside spreading satans foul cloud through my lungs than inside listening to some bastard in a v-neck sweater talk about the cardiovascular advantages of eating nineteen slices of apple garnished in monkey piss whilst simultaneously hanging upside down in a sauna shoving a nutri-grain up your arse or whatever the hell it is that non-smokers talk about. Despite the occasional effects of the elements the smoking ban actually gets my full thumbs up. Thank you healthy people, you did what we were always too unhealthy and inactive to do; separate us into two happy tribes segregated from each other. Happy, amongst our own, having a swell time, exchanging occasional pitying glances through through the pub window. You imagining us inside our smelly charred coffins and us imagining what it must be like to be absolute cunts such as yourselves. Why couldn't we just have stayed there? Was it not enough for you?

Apparently not! It seems that non smokers have decided that not only do we need to be segregated but also that we can't read. We've had written warnings for years but apparently these weren't good enough and thus exactly like a childs dictionary they have placed pictures on packs of cigarettes denoting our grizzly end. Lambert and Butler now stands for lung cancer with a pictures of some grizzled lungs, Sovereign now stands for slow and painful death, with a picture of a corpse unearth a UV light, I assume Marlboro must now stand for 'My god you are killing yourself everyone around you, everyone you have ever loved, your children, your children's children, the children of people you have never even met you viscous murdering raping child molesting, snuff porn directing, crack dealing, racist, shit shoveling, nazi, terrorist.' With a picture of Richard Littlejohn holding a sign saying 'join me.' Actually just that picture alone may make me stop. Still the fact that cigarette packets now see themselves as little cardboard crystal balls envisioning a dark and desperate future for us all frankly fills me with a sense of......dread?......fear?.

....sudden desire to join a gym?......complete and utter inertia? Oh yeah that's right the last one.

This new tactic, patronizing as it may be, might work to some extent. I mean very few people want to see the grizzly effects of long-term smoking and while I'm a smoker there is no way I'm going to enter the smoking debate. I don't enjoy being vilified or patronized for a habit that I know is bad. I also don't enjoy people believing that they have the moral superiority to tell me how to live my life. However if somebody asks me to put out a cigarette when I'm near them then I will. But realistically is a picture of a corpse going to make me stop smoking? No, it really really isn't. It's just going to give me something to scare the bejeebus out of my non smoking friends with.
The next plan is to take cigarettes off display or to hide them in shops. What good is that going to do? Is the idea that we have to play a game of hot and cold with the shopkeeper when we want a pack of fags? 'Oh getting hot, hotter still, nah cold man, hot, hot, hot! There you go that'll be £6' Or are they hoping that them being out of sight will mean people forget what they are? 'Hey remember those things we used to put in our mouths and light and all that cloudy smelly stuff would come out?' 'Yeh' 'What were they called?' I can't see the reasoning here. Bill Hicks once famously said 'you smoke two packs a day? pussy! I go through two lighters a day.' Would Bill have lived his life any other way if he had had a few dark pictures on his pack of cigs? No. In fact I bet he would have found them hilarious.

Seriously Who Remembers Taproot? Yeah you do and I bet you liked them to didn't you!?

I'm finding it hard to read this afternoon, it's a bank holiday so obviously doing anything offends not only God but also RBS. Do the banks really deserve a holiday? Can't we cancel all of them this year and introduce a bankgrovel day instead? Where bankers come to our houses (if we still have them) and grovel for our forgiveness on our doorsteps and we can kick them if we want or even just smack them around a little bit. It would solve the problem of bank holiday boredom plus I would love to kick a banker in the ribs. Call me left wing but come'aaan it makes sense.

So yeah bank holidays are generally tough they're like a surprise Sunday, you think it's just going to be a normal day then you notice they're playing Bedknobs and Broomsticks on BBC1, your email inbox isn't as busy as it should be on a Monday morning, your friends who you know have real jobs are posting status on facebook about how hungover they are...something isn't right. Your first thought is that it's still Sunday and you've somehow stumbled into Groundhog Day gripped by terror you look around to see if there is anything discernibly different from yesterday, then you notice the underwear your wearing has that 3 day old pong about it so there is no way you're stuck in a time vacuum with Bill Murry. It suddenly dawns on you however that you're in a fate even worst than Groundhog Day, you are slap bang in the middle of some stupid fucking holiday and nothing you planned to do today is going to get done. There isn't even any point in getting dressed! A bank holiday is the closest you can get to purgatory without actually being Catholic or dying. If you amble to town it will be empty except for young families pushing their kids about on bikes with stabilizers and smiling a lot. If you go to the pub it will be empty because everyone got extra shitted last night just because they could and now after three nights on the raz they are confined to their beds genuinely happy that they don't have to do anything. See people think being unemployed is a doddle, it isn't, you get no routine you are shunned by society and its schedule. There is a joy in holidays that you don't get to share in, all you can do is look meekly around at those who see free time as a novelty and feel a pang of jealous rage shudder through you. It looks so simple, so serene to enjoy a bank holiday, I'm steaming with envy in all honesty. There is also an air of extended lethargy around bank holidays, at least from my experience I mean I have work to do but my work ethic has pretty much been irradicated due to the fact I'm not trying to get it done so I can do something later. I'd imagine this is very much what drowning feels like you are helpless against it. You hold your arms out and decend, let the water fill you up like you're a glass and peacefully drift away.... Only instead of water you have substandard TV schedules and instead of a corpse you become a sticky bloated mess after wolfing down three creme eggs as fast a possible (2minutes 3 seconds by the way). Although I think if you tried to do five it would virtually be a very near death exprience.

Still there you have it bank holidays are fookin' rubbish.